Yesterday, someone asked me what I'm going to do next, once I'm no longer doing what I do now. I shrugged it off and said some words, when really, I don't have a plan at all. I don't even have any ideas. I've been at my job for almost 8 months and I've been focusing so much on trying to be a grown-up that I've forgotten more will come after this. Life will not carry me, I have to walk.
Sitting on the bus this morning, I stared into the air, my eyes out of focus and my brain moving too fast for 6am. How long has it been since I've thought about what to do with my life? Weeks? Months? For years, I thought of nothing else. I thought so hard I nearly went nuts, my psyche always soggy, soaked through with uncertainty. The options, the decisions, the I don't have a fucking clue. It had all faded away and I didn't even notice, like when the sun goes down so gradually you're surprised when it's suddenly too dark to see.
Have I been living so much in the present I forgot there has to be a future? Is this what happiness is? Not worrying about what will come next? Does living in the moment mean you don't have goals? I love my life, but that's no excuse. I won't love this life in a year or two. I need a plan, or at the very least, an answer to the question, what will you do next?
But I don't want to go back to that place. The place full of questions and anxiety and the lights are always on. I want to keep living and wait until it makes sense to see what else is out there for me. I want to ease into a plan as though into a warm bath. I want to keep taking it one step at a time, maybe forward, maybe up.
I have felt what you are feeling, and sometimes those feelings still find me. However, it's usually for two reasons:
ReplyDelete1) Seeing other people my age who are "further along" in their lives - career, spouse, house, children, etc.
2) Remembering what I had imagined myself doing by now.
When I'm not comparing or getting down on myself, I'm happy.
Think about WHO is most important in your life, and WHERE you feel most at home. The WHAT is not as important.
Surround yourself with friends and family, keep yourself open to love, don't live on credit, and do activities that bring you joy. That is what happiness is, because people can live their whole lives wishing they were DOING SOMETHING differently. Focus on people and places and eventually, the "what" will find you.
When people ask me what I'll do next I act all mysterious, as though I have some exciting amazing plans. I have no plans except to do small things that mean something to me. Baby steps.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have said it better than Stacy. You're 8 months into a job and you've just moved to the city. It may feel like much longer but in the grand scheme of life it's not. You found a groove, that's incredible! Why do you need to be pondering more? If I've learned anything in the last few months, it is life works in rather funny ways. I've transitioned recently and it wasn't by force. It was an organic natural reaction to... OK, I'm ready for the next phase. Let's see what's out there... six months later I found myself at a new job and two months after that a new home. Live it up.
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