Question and Answer
Yesterday, someone asked me what I'm going to do next, once I'm no longer doing what I do now. I shrugged it off and said some words, when really, I don't have a plan at all. I don't even have any ideas. I've been at my job for almost 8 months and I've been focusing so much on trying to be a grown-up that I've forgotten more will come after this. Life will not carry me, I have to walk.
Sitting on the bus this morning, I stared into the air, my eyes out of focus and my brain moving too fast for 6am. How long has it been since I've thought about what to do with my life? Weeks? Months? For years, I thought of nothing else. I thought so hard I nearly went nuts, my psyche always soggy, soaked through with uncertainty. The options, the decisions, the I don't have a fucking clue. It had all faded away and I didn't even notice, like when the sun goes down so gradually you're surprised when it's suddenly too dark to see.
Have I been living so much in the present I forgot there has to be a future? Is this what happiness is? Not worrying about what will come next? Does living in the moment mean you don't have goals? I love my life, but that's no excuse. I won't love this life in a year or two. I need a plan, or at the very least, an answer to the question, what will you do next?
But I don't want to go back to that place. The place full of questions and anxiety and the lights are always on. I want to keep living and wait until it makes sense to see what else is out there for me. I want to ease into a plan as though into a warm bath. I want to keep taking it one step at a time, maybe forward, maybe up.
Posted by shannon